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It's great living in  paradise.......

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Regardless of whether you are new to the area,( Florida ) or have lived here for

many years, I thought each of you  may truly appreciate it at this time.

  It is sooooo timely!  We all need a little humor in our lives, and

what better time to enjoy this.  Smile!   Welcome to Florida folks.  We

are far more than Seashells, Mickey Mouse,  Orange Juice and Cattle!



We have entered the peak of the hurricane season.  Right now, you can to

turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to  some radar blob


in the Caribbean and making two basic meteorological  points.


(1) There is no need to panic.


(2) We could all be killed.


Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in  Florida. If you're

new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to  do to prepare

for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."


Based on our insurance industry experiences, we  recommend that you

follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:




Buy enough food and bottled water to last your  family for at least

three days.




Put these supplies into your car.




Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.  Unfortunately,

statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible  plan.

Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.


We'll start with one of the most important  hurricane preparedness





If you own a home, you must have hurricane  insurance. Fortunately, this

insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your  home meets two

basic requirements:


(1) It is reasonably well-built, and


(2) It is located in Wisconsin


Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida,  or any other area

that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance  companies would

prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they  might be

required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into

the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around

for  an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium

roughly equal to  the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this

company can drop you  like used dental floss.




Your house should have hurricane shutters on all  the windows, all the

doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages



Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because  you make them

yourself,    they're cheap.


Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these  work well, once you

get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them  all up, your

hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.


Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're  very easy to use,

and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is  that you will

have to sell your house to pay for them.


Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest  wrinkle in

hurricaneprotection: They look  like ordinary windows, but they can

withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure  of this, because the

salesmansays so.     He lives in Nebraska.


Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane  approaches, check

your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters,  patio

furniture, visiting relatives, etc...


You should, as a precaution, throw these items into  your swimming pool

(ifyou don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built  immediately).

Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly





If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an  evacuation route

planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying  area, look


your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a  low-lying

area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being

trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be

trapped in a

gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two

hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely!




If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of  supplies. Do not buy

them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until  the last possible

minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights  with

strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In addition to food

and water, you will need the following supplies:


23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries  that turn out, when

the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the  flashlights.


Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for.  NOBODY knows what the

bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)


A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This  will be useless in a

hurricane, but it looks cool.)


A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate  the alligators. (Ask

anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there  WILL be irate



$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the  hurricane passes, you

can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.


Of course these are just basic precautions. As the  hurricane draws

near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the  situation by

turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain  slickers stand

right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally  important it

is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.


Good luck, and remember: It's great living in  Paradise




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the bleach is used to purify the e-coli infested water you will be drinking when your 3 day supply runs out, and there isn't any fresh water available. a few drops, and your almost good to go. Actually one of those sweetwater filters for 50 bucks would be much better...filter sout even the smallest of critters, and shit.
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