Chiefin Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 "I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to Shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. It was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, a nd disgustedly said, 'Sonavabitch' and quickly left. Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CHIEF DOC 99 Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 No Shart! Powdered ginger root takes the wind out of chili & beans... Probably why Granny had that ginger jar handy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vintageroger Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Wiping the tears away! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mickdanewf Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Good one Chiefin...good laugh for sure! quote:I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. Yes....that emotion is like "watching your mother inlaw fall through the ice with the christsmas liquor" WTF do you do???? Who or what do you save??? ~mick~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prof. O Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 At the Airport in stitches ........... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Airpirate Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 You asshole! I almost pissed myself I'm laughing so hard!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lakotascout Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 THAT IS SOME FUNNY SHIT!!!!!! I still cant see thru the tears Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CKelly Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 I just hope it was a true story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blu Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Just reading this was an Ass-sault on my senses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
injun46 Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 I just hope it was a true story. Knowing Chiefin, it's true. Glad we're upwind from him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Mark Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 Do NOT eat at Denny's in Daytona at three am. with Chiefin. Truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghostedrider Posted June 4, 2012 Share Posted June 4, 2012 that is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chiefin Posted June 4, 2012 Author Share Posted June 4, 2012 Do NOT eat at Denny's in Daytona at three am. with Chiefin. Truth. LMAO!!! Ok, Mark,, Dont make me tell the part about you going south bound in the north bound lane of US #1,, at about 90 mph,,,,Down Town Daytona,,, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chiefin Posted June 4, 2012 Author Share Posted June 4, 2012 I just hope it was a true story. Ill extend a Open Invite to Dinner,,,,Then send ya home LMAO ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CHIEF DOC 99 Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 "Ok, Mark,, Dont make me tell the part about you going south bound in the north bound lane of US #1,, at about 90 mph,,,,Down Town Daytona,,," Chiefin So Jimbo, are you saying the recent Kamikazzee mashup was not an isolated incident? "There's always more room outside than inside" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Mark Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 "Ok, Mark,, Dont make me tell the part about you going south bound in the north bound lane of US #1,, at about 90 mph,,,,Down Town Daytona,,," Chiefin So Jimbo, are you saying the recent Kamikazzee mashup was not an isolated incident? "There's always more room outside than inside" It wuz three a.m. And I weren't wearing a helmet. I was young(er) and foolish. Now I are OLD and foolish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lschultz Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 Damms you put a lot into writing this such detail. Maybe you should be writing sick dysfunctional books. Speaking of dysfunctional ever been on the Jerry Springer show? I guess theres probably a ordor in the air if'n anybody rides behind you are do they make you bring up the rear? Speaking of farting I likes to fart to. Reminds me of years ago a bunch or us rented a beach house on the coast and we wents down there. Took us plenty of beer. Night time came and we all went to sleep. Wife and I were in a bedroom sleeping and sometimes in the night don't know what time cause I did not have a watch back then I commence to fart and said uh o shit something slick kinda slid between me big fat ass so I got out of bed and pulled me another pair of fruit of the looms out of the suitcase. I drop me undeware and there was a deposit in the bottom of them. I don't know why but I set down on the bed to put the clean ones on and says to meself I best depose of these so I walks outside and drop them in a trashcan come back inside and go back to sleep. Daylight came and it was time to get up wife got up and picked up her shorts and was going to put them on but she smelled something she ask me if I farted and I said no. She looks at her shorts and there was shit on them. Well how was I to know when I set down on the bed I set down on her shorts and I guess there was some shit residual on me ass and it got on her shorts. Well I had to confess to her what I did. I though that would be the end of it but she goes to one of the other girls there and tells her what I did. I felt so ashamed. Now back to Cheifin I got to print that out and show it to them assholes I work with so they can have a good laugh. You are sick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chiefin Posted June 5, 2012 Author Share Posted June 5, 2012 It wuz three a.m. And I weren't wearing a helmet. I was young(er) and foolish. Now I are OLD and foolish. Yes,,we were Young & Dumb,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Now we are Older ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chiefin Posted June 5, 2012 Author Share Posted June 5, 2012 "Ok, Mark,, Dont make me tell the part about you going south bound in the north bound lane of US #1,, at about 90 mph,,,,Down Town Daytona,,," Chiefin So Jimbo, are you saying the recent Kamikazzee mashup was not an isolated incident? "There's always more room outside than inside" LOL,,, It was a Blast ! a bunch of Indiand (6) racing through Daytona at 3am,,, all heading to Dennys beachside,, Seemed like a good thing to do at the time, Needless to say,,, We had fun that weekend! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 Denny's ???? You come up Joisey and I will take you to a real Diner. A true de -lish- us eating experience .NOBODY beats our Diners As per driving on the wrong side of the road....our state troopers will take care of that. As a group they seem to lack a sense of humor though.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indian T Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 Hahahahahaha. Very good, Chiefin! Always good to start the day off with a good laugh. Cropdustin' through the grocery store...classic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chiefin Posted June 5, 2012 Author Share Posted June 5, 2012 Gotta Love it "T",,, should be a Olympic sport Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chiefin Posted June 5, 2012 Author Share Posted June 5, 2012 Denny's ???? You come up Joisey and I will take you to a real Diner. A true de -lish- us eating experience .NOBODY beats our Diners As per driving on the wrong side of the road....our state troopers will take care of that. As a group they seem to lack a sense of humor though.... Doc,, During Bike Week there must be a billion cops in Daytona,, They Import them from Everywhere,,, Dr Mark was the only one on the wrong side of the road,, he couldn't figger out why we were over on the other side,,,Keep in mind,,, there was a grass median with trees & bushes between us,,,Still a good race tho,, it was fun,,,,Kinda like Crop dusting tn the grocery store,,, Same thing only different Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maninbox Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 Ahh, reminds me of the old days in the military. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CHIEF DOC 99 Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 (edited) 'Eat a pint of your favorite ice cream as a chaser & the next day you can pray "C'mon Ice Cream" while suffering on the can.' Courtesy of Rogue Warrior Edited June 5, 2012 by CHIEF DOC 99 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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