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Darwin Awards

 

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado

here are the 2008 Darwin Awards.

 

Eighth Place:

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water

after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to

retrieve his car keys.

 

Seventh Place:

A 49-year-old San Francisco Stockbroker, who had previously told others

he "totally zoned" when he ran, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high

cliff on his daily run.

 

Sixth Place:

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection

from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom of

that hole when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People

on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but

could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost

an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

 

Fifth Place:

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a

bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long

flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into

the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

 

Fourth Place:

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who

said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth

and pull the trigger.

 

Third Place:

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front

door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the

store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was

standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber

announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The

officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also

drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene

by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge

cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.

Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was

hurt.

 

HONORABLE MENTION:

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at

2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to

see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was

closed.

 

RUNNER UP:

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them

said they knew a person who had bungee jumped from a local bridge in the

middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men

trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the

midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee

rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered to still jump,

and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured

one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His

fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at

the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was

rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

 

AND THE WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated

elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,

figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the

ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The

sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.

Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the

elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It

seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'

 

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES

FROM THE GENE POOL.

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