The LARK Project

[Injun Pete]

THE LARK PROGRAM

 

A lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the

treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay

 

She received back the following reply:

 

The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington , D.C. 20016

 

Dear Concerned Citizen:

 

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the

Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba .

 

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was

heard loud and clear here in Washington .You'll be pleased to learn that,

thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division

of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility

for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

 

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to

place one terrorist under your personal care Your personal detainee has been

selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your

residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed)

is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

 

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are

commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath

and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem"

will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

 

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

 

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views all females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will

recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka – over time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs. "Wasn't that how you put it?

 

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.

 

Good luck!

 

Your friend,

 

GEORGE W. BUSH

[mochief]

nice!

 

not such a bad idea

[MOE]

I LIKE IT, THAT WOULD SERVE THEM RIGHT